Help! My Maid of Honor Isn’t Doing her Duties

by in , , — Updated February 20, 2020

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You picked your perfect Maid of Honor (MOH)… or so you thought! But now, your best friend isn’t doing the pre-wedding duties that you thought she would. She’s not picking up your calls, and she’s too busy to help with your DIY invitations. Maybe you haven’t heard a peep about the bridal shower that she was going to plan, or she dropped the ball on some other duty that the two of you discussed. What should you do? Here’s a game plan that you can follow that will help you keep your wedding plans on track, while keeping your relationship in tact, too!

Communicate — Even if it’s Uncomfortable

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When your older sister, the woman you chose to be your MOH, blows off dress shopping for the second time that month because something with work came up, it might be tempting to just say, “no problem” and let her off the hook. Don’t! Instead, be open about how her actions make you feel.

Communicating feelings is challenging — especially if you really wish everything was just going smoothly. Don’t ignore your feelings. If you feel like your MOH is shirking her duties, blowing you off, or prioritizing everything else in her life before your wedding, you have to speak up. Explain your perception of things, and see what she says.

She might be overwhelmed with work or relationship problems of her own, and therefore unable to be there for you like you need her to be. If that’s the case, it’s best to know sooner rather than later! See what you can do to make her duties more manageable until her personal stressors are done with. If she’s blowing off dress shopping because of a big work assignment, get clear on the fact that she’ll be dedicated to her role again once the project is done. In the meantime, invite another bridesmaid along when you try on gowns.

Check Yourself

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Be honest about your behaviors. Have you been overwhelming your best friend with late-night texts about how much you’re freaking out about your big day? Have you been snapping at her, due to your own stress? Have you been assuming she has the cash for certain financial obligations, without asking her? Look closely at your own behaviors. If you find some that have been, ah hem, less than perfect — change them. It’s never too late to change, forgive, and forget!

Relieve Some Pressure

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Being a MOH is a major time, money, and energy commitment. If you sense that your MOH is no longer showing enthusiasm about her duties — or neglecting them outright — it might be because she has too much on her plate. The initial excitement of being asked to be your MOH might have fueled her to say ‘yes’ to things that she’s not comfortable doing, like planning a bridal shower for twenty women, some of whom she barely knows. Help her delegate some of the duties that feel heaviest to other friends and family. Say something like, “I’ve noticed you haven’t sent out invitations to the bridal shower yet… my friend Dee from work loves party planning, so I’ll ask her to take care of it.” Watch your MOH’s face light up with relief!

Offer Alternatives

If none of the above steps work, you might have to offer your MOH an out. You’ve tried communicating, modifying your own behaviors, and taking some duties off of her plate, and she’s still not coming through for you. Maybe she’s really not up for the job. Tactfully give her an opportunity to bow out and be a bridesmaid instead of your MOH, and assure her that your relationship won’t change because of it.

Now that you have some strategies to use, do you feel better about your own MOH situation? Leave a comment, below.

1 thought on “Help! My Maid of Honor Isn’t Doing her Duties”

  1. Hello,

    I am in a tough situation with my matron of honor. She is my best friend, and I was her maid of honor. Now it’s her turn to fill that role for me. She is really impossible to make plans with but we finally were able to both be free to do my dress shopping. She had plans in the evening, but now all of the sudden she doesn’t. I just found out she made other wedding dress shopping plans with another bride who she isn’t her matron of honor. I was confused and told her I didn’t mind if she left right after I was done. I back tracked from what I said because my mother mentioned we’d be going out to dinner to celebrate. My MOH doesn’t see why I’m upset that she won’t be there even when I told her I was hurt that she was going to leave and not be by my side when we go celebrate. We’ve had these dress plans for months. After I explained how I felt she became defensive and I made her feel like the worst MOH ever. So I just need advice…. Am I wrong for being upset that she made separate plans on the day for my wedding dress shopping? She wants to please both, but she’s my matron of honor and I feel like that is more important than being a bridesmaid.


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